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my flight leaves at 7. i arrive back in atlanta at 9.
i am not prepared to deal with what's about to go down.
i'm so nervous, i could vomit.
i've already heard it from 2 people.
just come clean, and save some chance of having me in your life at all.
i haven't cried, yet.
someone might die tonight.
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i just heard some very sickening news.
i hate you, i swear. i love you.
why the fuck did i think that just bc you swore on my life , that you would actually change?
and i can't believe i made myself sick with missing you and craving your touch this whole trip.
why do you insist on lieing to me?
what the fuck did i ever fucking do but help you and stick by your fucking piece of shit side?
i can't wait to look in your eyes
i can't wait to break you down...
again.
and i can't wait to see what your excuse is this time.
and that has made up my mind for me. i am leaving. im moving away, bc if you're not here for me, there's nothing left for me here.
i've never been so heartbroken in all of my life.
fuck you.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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right now i'm at the library bc i went to apply for a job at borders, and they told me i had to apply online, so i came here and the FUCKINGWEBSITE won't load. it's gay. as gay as gay could be and it has agitated me greatly.
i need a new job bc tj maxx sucks and besides that they don't pay enough, plus now they're only scheduling me for one day a week, which leaves me with an income of about $100 a month. that's just horrible. other than that... even though financial things are shitty as fuck right now, it doesn't get me down too much bc i've got jarrett. sounds cheesy, yes... but it's true. at least i know i have SOMETHING good going for me right now. and what i have is the best relationship ever. i've never been treated so nicely.
i wish i had the internet at my house.
the end.
blah.
no mas.
fin.
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Monday, November 22nd, 2004
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Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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im drunk
carlys drunk
we're all drunk
toadies kick ass
and we both spilled eachothers drinks
she stole the chink bitchs lighteryresn imn fuctn hern in the asssser pleaazs4! ~#$ASiosfdjgidgyweh
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Monday, November 15th, 2004
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yes, so... let's do the random updating thing again...
i'm still retarded
work sucks
my car was stolen, but not really, it just rolled down a hill into some woods
i'm talking to my dad more now than ever, every few days i hear from him
i have stayed at kevin's house more than mine the past couple of weeks, but that's just bc im retarded
rocco likes to get high and eat mushrooms
there are many stupid bitches in this world
i got ecstasy from a kid i used to babysit
i have been crying for over a month
AND GODDAMNIT I FORGOT TO CALL MY GRANDMA AGAIN TONIGHT ABOUT THAT
fuckingfuckwhatthefuck
oh yes, and, when youre rollin jump on beds and get someone to suck on your neck... just a suggestion.
people from romania are cool in a weird way and it is too fucking cold outside to walk around in a field for 30 minutes looking for shrooms.
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Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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shit has changed so much since i last updated this thing.
so much.
the newest news, however, is that he has retarded me.
i would write about other things... new things... but that's all i can think about now.
...
yes.
retarded.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
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im moving out with val by the 15th
having surgery friday morning
...
..
.
i need to get laid. there's a lot of sexual frustration clouding my judgement lately.
i hate the house my mom and i live in
im getting another job... maybe
um
im boring.
my 19th birthday was spent in atlanta in a hotel and at the masquerade annnnd.... the strip club was a bust bc it turned out to be a bunch of fat nasty black women covered in crisco being watched my thirty thugs rubbin their dicks
other than that and some other drama that went down, i had fun. it was fun stuff
i miss the internet
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i stole it
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR...
NOSE: qamqanda
ELBOW: aaamqqhnjdaq
TONGUE: amanda
CHIN: aamanxca
FEET: a mannda
EYES CLOSED AND ONE FINGER: akqnda
BACK OF YOUR HAND: amz ndsa
PALM: amzancdaz
MOUSE: amanda
WRIST: amzandas
good times.
so, chris and i are no more.
i still work at tj maxxx, meghan does, too, now
im having surgery july 14th
going to see muse and the cure july 29th
will be 19 in august
i have to move, again
i have braces
i turn red a lot
got a new cell phone
made a new collage
got a new book
saving up for a new car
i crushed my finger
watched some people jump off a bridge
had a dream last night that someone pissed on me and then carly killed some girls
my dad is in a hotel somewhere and i havent talked to him since 2 days before fathers day
i want to move to new york
i need to shave
it's 420 right now
and i have to go
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and im seriously sorry for wasting your time and for making you feel any feeling i ever made you feel. especially the ones you felt tonight. im sorry. i wish there was a way not to hurt you and to be able to look out for myself at the same time.
and im sorry that i dont make any sense.
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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just got back from the dentist.
they pulled out that needle and ... yeah. haha. i'm stupid. such a baby. but anyway... the numbness is annoying. trying to let it wear off before i go to work because they finished earlier than expected.
i'm sad today.
i was sad yesterday.
i was very sad the day before that.
i really hate this.
its breaking my fucking heart.
now tears come. okay.
shut up.
what the fuck.
why does it have to be like this
why did you do it
seriously
this is the last time i'll abandon you
and this is the last time i'll forget you
i wish i could
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things are good.
things at work are good, things between me n chris are good.
really good.
things at home are.........
well, there's no really big drama or anything new going on, it still sucks and my mom lives in her own little room next to mine now and my dad actually called me the other day, but it was bc he needed my social security number to fill out some papers to make me his beneficiary. which means, he actually got another job. yay for jobs.
watched a couple of movies and went swimmin tonight. duplex wasn't like i thought it would be and gummo was so good. it made no sense at all and i loved it. i really want to watch the rest of full metal jacket and super troopers.
so, uh... poop. yeah, that's it. poop.
meghan and cria are gonna be working at tj maxx now.
i have to work from 9:30am to 10:30 pm tomorrow.
i need to go to sleep
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tattoo tomorrow? yes? yes? yes.
and the rain is, seriously, forever ours, but if you ever do that to me again i will kill you.
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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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cria is not grounded anymore... such a good thing. the only bad part now is that i have to work today and tomorrow, then he has to work thursday, then i will be gone fri-sun at music midtown.
but, still... the ungrounded part is a really good part.
so... my dad calls me this morning and is all like it's my birthday and im at the mall getting new pants so come and meet me somewhere. you bastard. i had my alarm set early so i could get up and call him and tell him happy birthday and ask if i could bring him his card. he always beats me to it on his birthday. except for that one time when i was little and i called him two days early and got him out of a staff meeting at work so i could say happy birthday... i tried. you know someone's cool when they will call you on THEIR birthday and not yours. but, hey, whatever works.
so yeah, i guess i'm gonna go take a shower and go to the mall until it's time to go to cria's.
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1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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i have a low sperm count. yes, yes i do.
yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhi was so happy i cried.
friday. maybe?
hopefully.
if not firday, asap.
holy shit fucking mother of christ and everything that has ever even wanted to think about being good. do it.
break it. fix it. make me pretttttyyyyyy.
this is going to be so good when it's all over.
yeah... all of a sudden i cant stop sneezing.
okay.
i think im done with that.
sorry i missed your call chris, i was watching patch adams at meghans and i kinda dozed off. im really glad you came to see me, though. i will see you tomorrow before i go to work.
i killed the bee :(
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Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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i have been getting to see chris a few times a day the past couples of days. so good.
monday we all went to chillies and after cria went to work meghan andrew and i went to wall-mart to get some things for my grandma and then we attempted to buy a bowl, but head shops were closed.
when i came home from taking meghan back to her house later that night chris was waiting for me outside. what a sweetie. he's mine, and i love it.
yesterday we went to mystics and andrew bought a bowl, i bought a tongue ring, and then we all went to taco bell/kfc. fun stuff.
he should be coming to see me again after school.
it really sucks that he got caught coming in the other night and that his dad has been reading my journal... he didnt really get into too much trouble for it, but i dont want his dad to dislike me because of all of this. i havent even met the guy and already he absolutely no reason at all to even remotely like me.
i really just want to go soak in a hot bath right now because no one is home to interrupt. i think i might actually go do that. good plan.
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waiting for clothes to dry is fun. fun fun.
when they get dry im gonna go get meghan so she can get her check cashed and then we're gonna go to chillies, i think
but yeah... she wants to pick up andrew first
thats cool i mean
its just
i dont know
fuck
im so tired of cria being grounded.. i can imagine how tired of it HE is
that just like ruins it
but
whatever
fuck it
it'll all be good in a couple weeks
i miss him so fucking much
somuch
these four walls.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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went to cria's last night for a while. he fixed my ring for me and he made me the most awesome collage. it's so good. i love it. it even has a sweet little note on the back of it...
as for today, meghan and i picked chris up from school and i went to his house again for a while. after that i cleaned for a few hours and got all sweaty. mmmsweaty. ate, took a bath, now im waiting for chris to call so i can go see him for a while.
my grandma is coming to town tomorrow... how nice.
i have to pick her up at the airport around 1:30 or so...
start work friday...looking forward to it.
larry's back home.
woooooooo
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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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finished all my paper work today. went well. get my schedule tomorrow morning . . . hopefully .
long day today was. really, it was. meghan and i went to dos copas to eat and then we went to publix and got our tickets to music midtown. fun times. yeah... some time in between all that we took andrew some cold hot wings at work.
im excited to start my job, but i cant wear blue jeans or any of the clothes that i have which blows a big fat one bc i will have to borrow some of meghans clothes until i can get some appropriate ones of my own... funmotherfuckingtimes
i really cant wait to get out of this place
i wish i didnt have the car insurance to pay because i would save up every penny i get for a year or so and fucking move so far away
i want to see the world. i really want to know that this is not it. this cant be all there is. cant be. what the hell. i doubt a change of scenery would have much to do with the way people are, though. it probably wouldnt help at all to move away... but, who knows. i dont want to be some successful asshole with a mercedes and a huge house with 5 kids that i never see and a mexican nanny and nothing to show for anything but fucking stuff. things. fuck things. i want to go places and meet so many people and have so much fun and take so many goddamn chances and not have the petty shit drama always fucking with everything bc theres nothing better for people to do than to get jealous or pissed off about shit that doesnt matter. so much time people waste not being good enough and wanting more and worrying about everyone else and not worrying about themself and enjoying all the good things, or good people, and just having fun with it. the only way anyone ever has fun these days is if they are fucking fucked up. intoxication makes the goddamn world go round and i hate it and i cant get away from it. its all pointless and people are fucking stupid. im fucking stupid. its sad to know that half of the shit i could go on ranting about applies to me and thats why i hate it so much. even me bitching about this is pissing me off bc im being too preoccupied with everything thats wrong. by the way, everyone is fake. everyone.
FUCKINGFUCK okay stop it
hello?
well, hey
lactation is a really good word.
so is evacuation when referring to the act of pooping.
i finally started reading fightclub a little bit yesterday. its good, so far. i have read all of chuck palahniuk's books besides fight club. its kind of awkward to read a book with the same story line as a movie i have watched tens of millions of times. im thinking that its going to be a good book, though. it's just kind of short. i tried to read prozac nation, and i just cant get through it. reading palahniuk's books has, like, ruined all other books for me bc no one even remotely touches his style of writing and it makes me want him to write hundreds of books.
yeeeeaaah.. i have to go move my car now.. and i dont feel like reading over all of this bullshit so.. yes. excuse mistakes.
im random. youre random. we're all random. dont expect to understand anything i ever write in here bc half of it is on my level and my level only. level? yes.
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fireal70's journal
thirsty.